hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
