Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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