Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
