My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
