i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Randomize
