I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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