Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
