My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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