I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
