If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
