it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
