i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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