): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
