she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
