He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
