So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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