What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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