cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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