I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
