At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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