My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
