I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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