So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
40s are totally the cure
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
