I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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