I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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