i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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