2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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