i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
