I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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