I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
