This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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