Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
