You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
