Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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