any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
