guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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