dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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