Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
