Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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