you traded sex for a burrito?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
