i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
