Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
