Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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