Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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