I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
