Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
