it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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