Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
