I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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