shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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