dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
