im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
