How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
