I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
then he tried to convert me to islam
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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